Holes
by Survivor88
Summary: I'm gonna be OK. We are going to be OK... [COMPLETE]READ&REVIEW please..
1. Default Chapter

This is my first Law and Order: SVU fic... All reviews are welcome.. uhhhmmmm:

Enjoy!

BTW: I don't own anything as usual and the song is property of Rascal Flatts called _Holes_

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_There's three in the hall_

_From the pictures in the closet_

_Two in the bedroom_

_From that night I lost it_

_And one deep inside me_

_Determined to stay_

_They don't get any bigger_

_But they don't go away_

_Holes in and around me_

_I keep fallin back in to _

_Hole's dig in and surround me _

_God knows what I'm gonna do_

_To fill in these holes left by you_

_Left by you, (Left by you)_

_I poured drink after drink_

_But nothin' hit bottom_

_I've been on my knees_

_Admitted my problem _

_The love that we made_

_Is still barely an echo_

_And I'll try anything_

_In these vacant hollow_

_Holes in and around me_

_I keep fallin back in to _

_Hole's dig in and surround me _

_God knows what I'm gonna do_

_To fill in these holes left by you_

_Left by you, (Left by you)_

_There's two through my hands_

_and one though my heart_

_From this cross that I'll bear _

_till the day that I see_

_It's guilt and it's blame_

_It's shame and it's hell_

_Seeking the truth, I've_

_dug them myself_

_All these holes dig in and surround me_

_God know what I'm gonna do_

_To fill in these holes left by you_

_Left by you, left bye you, left by you,_

_left by you_

Night after night for the past week I've occupied this spot until late in to the early morning hours. Everyone leaves telling me to do the same, I say I will but they know I won't. My partner stays until I tell her to get some rest for the time when she'll need her energy..... and she does go, but not until I promise to call if I need her.......

What used to be my home is simply a building with a bed, food, and a bathroom. The only time I spend there is when I can't bear to comb through file after file of rapes, abuse, and neglect.

But that is what ultimately put these black, empty voids deep within my soul. Not being able talk about the cases made the home a house.

That is why I often spend my resting hours up in the crib because I cannot bear to go back to the quiet, empty house. Kathy took the kids to her parents, I've spoken to each of them once since this unsteady chunk of life finally crumbled off.

Maureen is angry, not with me and not with Kathy, but with us both..... for not trying harder.

Kathleen wants nothing to do with her mother, she begged me to let her come home to me.

Dickie is trying to be the man and care for his sisters and his mother.

Lizzie is simply giving in and giving up, she's frightening me the most.

Honestly, I don't know what to tell them because I am lost myself.

I haven't a clue as to how to salvage what Kathy and I once had, if ever we had it. There is only one true way to solve this, quit SVU...... Not in a mllion lightyears.

SVU and what it entails is what truly led to the holes that now litter my psychi.

Kathy wanted in to my world so terribly, but I just couldn't let her. She wouldn't understand the hell I see day in and day out. My work is not dinner table conversation. I look at my kids, my girls especially, and I think about how lucky I am that they're safe and sound. The world I work in involves beaten children, little girls being raped, and parents who decided that kids just weren't in their plans anymore.

Then I look at the faces of Maureen, Kathleen, and Lizzie. It's a world I want so much to protect them from. Maureen I can't so much anymore because of college, but I still try.

Now all I have left is work...... and Olivia.

I know Kathy wants this divorce because of my relationship with Olivia. Hell I spend more time with Olivia and confide almost my every fear and emotion in her. Perhaps I didn't see it before, but the truth is that my relationship with Olivia has grown more important than the husband and wife relationship that I had with Kathy.......

Funny, I guess I never wanted to admit that to myself.

Everything seems to be in a downward spiral until I hit rock bottom, bruised and worn like the vics I'm forever going to help.

_Holes dig in and surround me_

_God knows what I'm gonna do_

_To fill in these holes left by you...._

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Well? I might make this a multi-chapter fic, but it's your call....... 


	2. Who Am I?

Since you guys seemed to like the beginning and asked for more , well here it is, but tell me if/when I should stop.

BTW: Thanks for the reviews and keep'em comin'

Enjoy!

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_Don't say it'll stay this way forever _

I'm afloat in the ocean, trying not to sink  
I'm a crack in the asphalt you walk by on the street  
I'm a falling star you'll never see  
The lash in your eye, the I in team  
So who am I?

Don't say it'll stay this way forever  
Don't say it'll stay this way forever

I'm the lesson you'll never learn  
The sickness that was never your concern  
I'm the big surprise at the end of the night  
The bridge in the gap, the corner of your mind  
So who am I?

Don't say it'll stay this way forever  
Don't say it'll stay this way forever  
Don't say it'll stay this way forever  
Don't say it'll stay this way forever

I'm holding on  
Yes I am careful what I wish for  
I am the knot in your stomach  
The phlegm in your throat  
The message saying your not home

Don't say it'll stay this way forever  
Don't say it'll stay this way forever

I'm afloat in the ocean, trying not to sink

"They came"

From her place in the passenger seat my partner looks at me and nods. She knows from my tone of voice, not having to elaborate is comforting.

I glance at Olivia before planting my sight on the roadway ahead. In her eyes I can see concern and sympathy.

"I found the envelope wedged between the screen door jamb."

Liv seems at a loss for words, she simply reached for my hand. Our fingers lace together.

My thoughts travel to the case which we are currently on. In fact the call to go to Bellevue is what brought us in to our unmarked police car.

The victim is a 15 year old girl who was found in Battery Park on the riverbank earlier this morning by community service workers. The other info we'll get when we get to the hospital.

Moments later I stop the car, Olivia climbs out even before I place it in park. We stride in to the emergency department where we flash our badges authoritatively.

"We got a call about a rape victim, 15, female?"

"Fourth room on your right" the nurse informs us without looking up.

With young girls I usually let Liv go in first, I don't want to startle them.

Before we go in Liv and I look through the plexiglass. Inside sits a slim child, her honey hair matted to her head and face with eyes of steely green staring into space. She is rocking back and forth with her arms hugging her legs to her chest.

We each take a deep breath and walk in. The girl looks up, alert at our presence.

"Hi, my names Detective Benson and this is my partner Detective Stabler. We're investigating your case, could you tell us your name?" Liv asks gently.

"Nikita Chancela, most people just call me Nikky."

"Nikky, could you tell us what happened?"

She nods.

"I was walking around SoHo last night around seven, window shopping mostly. There was a driveway between two buildings that had a van running in it. I figured I'd just walk around the back since they weren't backing out yet. The door opened as I came around and two hands, tanned with a scar across the back of the right one, grabbed me. I think there were two guys, a driver and the one who'd grabbed me. He kept one hand over my eyes while the other hand......the other hand......."

Nikky trailed off, her voice laden with thick, unshed tears.

Olivia had taken a seat on the bed, her hand on the childs shoulder comfortingly. "Take your time sweetie."

Nikky took a deep breath, "The other hand traveled to my jeans button, he undid the button and.... and his hand slid down in to my underwear....he.........he......."

She had to stop, the tears were tracking down her cheeks. Hurt, angry sobs erupted from the small teenager, Liv gathered her up in a hug.

At that moment I couldn't take it anymore, Nikky's strangled cries tore through me like the silence I endured alone at night. I could feel that hot prickle of tears begin to stab behind my eyes.

Before I let an already frightened, angry, young vic see me cry I stormed out of the room. As I turned through the door I could feel Liv's eyes burning a hole through my back.........

.........."Elliot?" Olivia whispered when she sat on the bench beside me. Her hand rested on my thigh, the other hand she put under my chin and raised my eyes to meet hers.

"What happened back there?"

I shrugged.

"Well I got the rest of Nikky's accountment on what happened. She's coming in to the station tomorrow, her dad'll bring her. Her mom skipped town last year."

I nodded.

Taking a gulp of air I looked into my best friends face. Liv's eyebrows were scrunched together in concerned bewilderment.

"I couldn't stand to hear that poor kid cry anymore than I can bear my silent house at night."

My voice was lost then.

"We don't get to pick the vic, she's a child no less and she needs our help to find out who violated her innocence and took her virginity."

Olivia's tone was firm but caring, she and I had a mutual understanding and after those few words she knew I needn't hear further.

"Livia?"

"Yeah?"

"Who am I?"

"Your my best friend and my partner. Your a helluva detective and a wonderful man. You love your kids and would do anything to protect them. You do your best to bring down perps and try to console the vics."

I chuckled grimly.

"Take time off and go see the kids. Try and talk to Kathy. Find out who you are by going to what you had and try to fix it........."

I just might take that advice.


	3. Let's Be Us Again

Here's the third chapter, Enjoy and let me know what ya think!

A/N: The song "Let's Be Us Again" belongs to Lonestar....

Read, Enjoy, and Review!

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_Tell me what I have to do tonight  
'Cause I'd do anything to make it right  
Let's be us again _

I'm sorry for the way I lost my head  
I don't know why I said the things I said  
Let's be us again

Here I stand  
With everything to lose  
And all I know is I don't want to ever see the end  
Baby please, I'm reaching out for you  
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in  
Let's be us again

Oh us again

Look at me, I'm way past pride  
Isn't there some way that we can try  
To be us again  
Even if it takes a while  
I'll wait right here until I see that smile  
That says we're us again

Here I stand  
With everything to lose  
And all I know is I don't want to ever see the end  
Baby please, I'm reaching out for you  
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in  
Let's be us

Baby baby what would I do  
I can't imagine life without you

Here I stand  
With everything to lose  
And all I know is I don't want to ever see the end  
Baby please, I'm reaching out for you  
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in

Oh, here I am  
I'm reaching out for you  
So won't you open up your heart and let me come back in  
Let's be us again

Oh let's be us again

What lies beyond the edge of the asphalt parking lot scares me. Glowing red letters stand out vividly in the dimming sky and I see her sitting at a corner table. She's waiting for me.

Suddenly my feet have me out of the car and walking up to the restaurants entrance.

Her head turns and she see's me, she keeps her expression neutral.

"Hi Kath."

Kathy stands to greet me with an heir of cool indifference.

"How are you?"

I shrug, I seem to do that quite a bit lately.

"And you?" I wonder

"I'm good, my parents are helping with the kids and my sister stopped by."

"That's......that's good" I plaster a smile on my face.

"So how'd ya get off work? Your boss or your mistress let ya out?"

Now Kathy's voice is pure Arctic air, the wind blowing with every breath my estranged wife takes.

"Kathy I didn't come here to fight and you know that's not fair"

It's her turn to shrug.

"Look can't we work us out?"

"What's there to work out El? The only way we'll work is if you-"

"I know, quit SVU" I cut in.

"Which I know is not going to happen." Kathy states.

"So what are we going to do?"

"I don't know."

I sit and watch her look around the eatery, her food is just arriving. I place my own small order and look back at Kathy as she eats like nothing is happening.

She looks up at me, puts down her fork, and begins to speak.

"I loved you once, that all changed. We changed and grew. If it wasn't for the fact that I got pregnant with Maureen then we probably wouldn't know each other now. Although it's not like we do anyway. We thought we could survive on just love, but it doesn't work like that. Somewhere between Maureen going off to college and the twins entering middle school we grew apart, we have been since......... since you got a new partner. I think we fell out after the innumerable times you forewent answering my questions about cases and after you began spending practically every waking hour with Olivia. I can't deny that she makes you happy and I don't, not anymore. Our relationship deteriorated as you built one with Olivia..."

She finally trails off in to silence.

"Please let's be us again" I'm begging

"There may never really was an 'us' " Kathy blatantly says.

I nod a few times, "There was an 'us' at one point."

"Yea at one point. El, your relationship with Olivia has grown more important than ours and I can't live in a marriage like that."

My face registers one of defeat. I can feel it contort in to some form of a sad grimace.

"I signed the papers, so here" I slide them across the table.

"I know the kids all want to see you, come by over the weekend" Kathy offers, at least she isn't keeping our kids from me.

Somehow I know this isn't over, the discussion I mean. Our marriage is unamendable and it's a cruel reality I must face. Kathy's expression is one of equal sadness and regret, maybe something more.

"Good luck Elliot, I'll see you over the weekend."

Kathy and I hug briefly.

There will be no 'us again' , not with Kathy

She leaves. I am left sitting alone, contemplating what once was and what will be.....


	4. I Think About You

The song I picked for this next chapter might seem a little off-base but it's the closest one I could find that would be appropriate. Hope you guys enjoy it!

BTW: The song is by Collin Raye, it's called _'I Think About You'._

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_Every time I see a woman on a billboard sign  
I think about you _

Saying drink this beer and you'll be mine  
I think about you

When an actress on a movie screen plays lolita  
in some old man's dream  
it doesn't matter who she is  
I think about you

When I see a pretty woman walking down the street  
I think about you  
men look her up and down  
like she's some kind of treat  
ooohhh  
I think about you

she wouldn't dare talk to a stranger  
always has to be aware of the danger  
doesn't matter who she is  
I think about you

eight years old  
big blue eyes  
and a heart of gold  
when I look at this world  
I think about you.

And I can't help but see  
that every woman used to be somebody's little girl  
I think about you

everytime I hear people say  
it's never gonna change  
i think about you  
like it's some kinda joke  
some kinda game

girl I think about you  
when I see a woman on the news  
who didn't ask to be abandoned or abused  
it doesn't matter who she is  
I think about you

eight years old  
big blue eyes  
and a heart of gold  
when I look at this world  
I think about you  
and I can't help but see  
that every woman used to be somebody's little girl  
I think about you

eight years old  
big blue eyes  
and a heart of gold  
when I look at this world  
I think about you  
I think about you oooohhh  
I think about you  
baby I think about you

Cold, harsh winter wind smacks against my face, the snow drifts down ever so lightly from the heavens blanketing the park in a layer of white.

Her hand squeezes mine, causing me to look to her then where she is pointing. I take a deep breath before we stop and I turn to face her.

"I'll be in the car waiting."

I nod, we part and I continue to where she directed me.

"Hey honey." I greet my eldest

"Hi daddy", we hug.

I can't read my daughter's face, but she looks faintly angry yet undeniably sad. We walk to a covered resting area and take seats on the bench.

"How are you? How's school? I've missed you a lot.... all of you."

Maureen smiles, "I'm doing pretty good, considering. School's going well. I've missed you too, we all have."

I can feel my face relax upon hearing her easy tone. "But you're angry, I could hear it in your voice when we last talked."

She nods.

"Honey I can't explain why your mom and I are splitting up. I'm a little lost myself, to say the least. We just grew up and in the process, grew apart."

My explanation sounds lame, a feeble attempt to forego answering questions.

"Dad you know why mom want's to leave and I know you know." Maureen's tone is now accusatory, I feel like I'm a suspect being interrogated. Wait, in a way I am.

"Maureen it is mom and mines relationship, I can't explain it all because you kids aren't the cause of it."

A sigh escapes me. Maureen diverts her gaze to somewhere in the distance.

"I know that your job is the cause...... and your relationship with Olivia..... I know that mom wishes you would open up to her and talk about the cases. I know that you have a natural rapport with Olivia because she's your partner and you have become best friends. Another thing I also know is that you're never home anymore, that Kat and Dickie and Lizzie miss you like hell."

I guess my 18 year old daughter does know more than I give her credit for. Inside I feel my gut begin to twist. I start speaking, giving the best explanation possible:

"I suppose I've underestimated you. This is the only response I can think to conjure truthfully so here it is. My job is not for the faint of heart, nor is it conversation I want to bring home for dinner. It entails kids being violated by the people they were supposed to be able to trust. I don't want to bring my work home because I don't want it in our house, my safety net. Your mother and I aren't the same two people we once were. Every case that involves a child, any child, I think about you. I think about how badly I want to protect you and your sisters and brother. It is difficult but I manage to push everything aside when I'm with you kids. And it's true that I'm not home often and that Olivia and I spend the majority of our waking hours together. Liv's become my best friend, I can't explain it any other way."

_'Whew'_ I think to myself and wait for Maureens reaction. An unexpected realization spreads in to my daughters features. She moves to lay her head on my shoulder, this seems to quick a response so I wait some more.

"To be honest I don't really understand. I simply want you and mom to be together like we used to be. I don't hold anything against Olivia either. I won't lie and say that I'm not angry, because I am, at you and mom because I want you to compromise. I'm also not as naive as you think because I also get that it's not that simple."

I place my hand over hers and move my head to place a kiss on her hair. "I love you baby girl" I whisper.

"I love you too daddy."

Inside relief washes some of the pain I felt at my daughters feelings..... I feel better than I have in awhile.......


	5. It's A Love Without End, Amen

Sorry it's taken me so long to update but things have bee really crazy academically and personally. Here's the first of the last three chapters.

Check out my other fic too- Reviving Olivia -)

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_I got sent home from school one day  
With a shiner on my eye  
Fightin' was against the rules and it didn't matter why  
When Dad got home I told that story just like I'd rehearsed  
Then stood there on those tremblin' knees  
And waited for the worst _

He said, Let me tell you a secret about a father's love  
A secret that my daddy said was just between us  
He said, Daddies don't just love their children  
Every now and then, It's a love without end, amen  
It's a love without end, amen

When I became a father in the spring of '81  
There was no doubt that stubborn boy  
Was just like my father's son  
And when I thought my patience  
Had been tested to the end  
I took my daddy's secret and passed it on to him

I said, Let me tell you a secret about a father's love  
A secret that my daddy said was just between us  
I said, Daddies don't just love their children  
Every now and then It's a love without end, amen  
It's a love without end, amen

Last night I dreamed I died and stood outside those pearly gates  
When suddenly I realized there must be some mistake  
If they know half the things I've done  
They'll never let me in  
Then somewhere from the other side I heard those words again

They said, Let me tell you a secret about a father's love  
A secret that my daddy said was just between us  
You see, daddies don't just love their children  
Every now and then It's a love without end, amen  
It's a love without end, amen

In the yard my one and only son was bundled up in his warm winter clothes tracing images in the powdery snow with a stick.

"Hey pal", I step out of the car towards my in-laws front porch.

Dickie jumps up to meet me at the steps, his arms wrap around me so tight.

"Buddy I've missed you so much!"

"I missed you too dad", his voice has an uncharacteristic quiver and he flinches as I go to put my hand under his chin to kid him about being 'the man.'

What greets my gaze surprises me.

Dickie looks at the ground uncomfortably, I put my hand on his back to urge him on to the porch steps were we take a seat on the cleared off wood.

"I'm sorry dad", he whispers.

"What happened?" I wonder.

"Well this kid, Brady, in my class... he started talking 'bout Lizzie cause she's been really sad lately and she looks tired all the time..."

I stay quiet and wait for my tough guy to finish.

"... Next he said that he heard from his sister whose friends with Kat that you and mom were getting divorced. I tried to keep my hands to myself, I really did but then Brady started saying how his parents loved him and his sister, that you and mom are splitting up because you don't love us anymore..."

Dickie takes a breath before focusing on tapping his shoe and staring at my car.

What he's just told me, well, it hurts and I'm surprised beyond belief.

"Is- is that true? You don't love us anymore? I guess my fightin just makes you madder", his

tone speaks volumes of fear and embarassment.

I kneel in front of Dickie and look at his downcast stare, he lifts his head and I begin my speech.

"That is absolutely, positively untrue. I love you and your sisters more than I could express in anyway. Nor did I leave you, mom and I are getting a divorce, that part is true-",

"But why? Don't you love mommy?" he interupts.

"I do love your mom but I'm not 'in' love with her anymore. We won't be living in the same house anymore, but I'll still see you and we'll spend time together."

I reach to pull him in to another hug, "I love you so much pal, don't ever, ever think that I don't. Your mom loves you too."

Dickie keeps up his act, but I know my son, he'll channel the energy somewhere constructive.

"I'm not happy you got in to a fistfight but I am proud that you stuck up for our family."

In my head the words 'Lizzie's been really sad' repeat themselves in slow motion. That frightens me further, I guess it's not just me then.

"How's school really going though? How much trouble did you get in?"

"Schools school, I play intramural basketball though! Ms. Priveas gave me a detention and a note in my conduct folder." He's both excited and sheepish.

"How's Livvie?" Dickie glances up at me interestingly, my raised eyebrows show taken aback.

"Liv's good, she says hi."

"Tell her I say hi too."

I grin and ruffle his unruly mop.

"Where's your mom, Kat, and Lizzie?" I ask.

"Mom's inside talkina grandma, grandpa went with a friend to Long Island, Kat is up in her room, and Lizzie is in my room."

I stand up and reach for his hand, Dickie takes it and stands to hug me again, I gladly except.

"So you do love us?"

"More than anything", I promise him. "Let's go inside, I wanna talk with mom and your sisters."

We head inside, the warmth a welcome blanket of air...

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Short I know, sry. Anyways the next two chapters should come quick. -) RR! Thanx ! 


	6. Baby

Hi all- here is ch 6, the song belongs to Dave Matthews. It's from his solo album _Some Devil_, the song is _Baby_.

Read and review!

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_Baby_

_It's alright_

_Stop your cryin now_

_Nothing is here to stay_

_Everything has to begin and end_

_A ship in a bottle won't sail_

_All we can do is dream that the wind will blow us across the water_

_A ship in a bottle set sail_

_Baby_

_It's alright_

_Stop your cryin now_

_There was a weakling man_

_Who dreamed he was strong as a hurricane_

_A ship in a bottle set sail_

_He took a deep breath and blew across the world_

_He lost everything he had _

_And woke up a weakling again_

_Some might tell you there's no hope in hand_

_Just because they feel hopeless_

_But you don't have to be anything like that_

_You'll be a ship in a bottle set sail_

_Baby_

_It's alright_

_Stop your cryin now_

_It's alright_

_So stop your cryin now_

_Be a ship in a bottle set sail_

Kathy and my mother-in-law turn when they hear Dickie and I traipse in, cold and in need of something warm and filling.

"Hello Elliot", my mother-in-law looks at me with a disapproving glare but takes Dickie's clothes and hands him a fresh mug of hot chocolate. He scurries in to the family room after I promise to join him soon.

I shed my coat on to the chair in the kitchen and take the mug of coffee Kathy has held out.

"How are you?", she wonders.

"I'm good, ya know same old, same old."

Kathy nods, my mother-in-law has dissappeared to somewhere no doubt still listening.

"The girls are upstairs, I know they're looking forward to seeing you", my soon-to-be exwife smiles genuinely. "Thanks", I whisper.

We're silent so I take that as a que to go visit with my younger daughters.

My body is tired going up the stairs to the bedrooms, it's been a long day. To my right at the top of the stairs there is light coming from under the door, it's Kathleen's room.

I knock.

"Mom please, I want you to leave me alone!", the door flies open and my 16 year olds face morphs from annoyance to joy.

"Hey Kat", I wrap my arms around her as she hugs me tight.

"Dad I've missed you so much!" Kathleen's voice is muffled against my shirt.

"I've missed you too. How has everything been going?" I take a seat on her bed while she closes the door and turns to me. Her eyes betray her happiness.

"They suck", she knows that I can tell.

I nod and put my arm around her shoulders when she sits down next to me. Her head rests on my shoulder, the tension is built up in her neck muscles.

"Talk to me", I say.

"Why? Why are you and mom getting a divorce? Why do I have to stay here? Why can't I come live with you at home?"

The questions come one after the other.

I begin with answering the first question and take it one step at a time.

"Sweetie, mom and I aren't the same two people we used to be, 20 years and four kids later. That doesn't mean we don't love you guys any less just that we're not in love with each other. You need to stay with your mom and grandparents because of my hours at work and because I think maybe you'll be better off here...", it hurt to speak those words. I feel like a record player, telling each of my kids the same thing but in different words.

I rubbed my daughters arm and wait for her to absorb what I've said.

"Is Olivia- I mean is the job, the cause?"

"Those are parts of it, yeah", I respond.

Kathleen stands up from the bed and walks to her dresser, she picks up a tissue before turning around.

"Honey c'mere", I get up and meet her halfway. Kat presses her face to my chest, the tears melt in to the cloth of my shirt. My heart hurts in more ways than one.

"I just...ju..just want us to be a family!" Kathleen's words leave her mouth in short, ragged gasps.

"I know, I know", I pull her closer to me.

With each passing minute the tears ebb and my childs breathing returns to normal.

"Know that if you need me night or day you call my cell or the office. We'll see each other plenty when the custody stuff is worked out. If you feel like you need to get out of here call too and if you can't reach me then call Liv."

Uncharacteristically I feel uneasy about that last sentence.

Kathleen nods, her face rubs the material.

Separating, I hand her Olivia's card to hang on to and plant a kiss on Kat's forehead.

"I love you daddy."

"I love you too KitKat." She smiles

* * *

Kathleen goes downstairs to join her little brother in TV time. My feet walk to where I see the line of light coming from under Dickie's doorway.

"Lizzie, may I come in?"

No response. I crack open the door, the bed is rumpled but empty.

"Baby?"

Nothing.

I check the closet since Lizzie used to like to hide in closets as a little girl. She isn't there.

Exiting the bedroom I head for the bathroom, there's no light but water is flowing from a faucet.

I knock and wait for an answer. Quickly the sounds muffle.

"Elizabeth? Baby, open the door?"

I turn the knob to see if it's unlocked and it is. Opening the door all the way I find my youngest of four sitting in a corner of the bathroom wiping her mouth.

"Sweetheart", I kneel down in front of her. Fear bubbles up in my chest as if drowning my lungs in hot acid.

Lizzie doesn't talk, she's tired I can see.

Inside the toilet bowl is speckled with body fluids so I flush it down and get a washcloth from the rack and run it under lukewarm water. Going back down to Lizzie I dab at her face.

"Baby, what's going on? What has been going on?"

"Daddy I've missed you so much", Lizzie's voice is almost inaudible. "I've missed you too", I respond pulling her in to my lap. For an 11 year old she's petite.

"I just get sick, it... it happens a lot."

"What's up?"

Lizzie shrugs, I slide my hand under her chin and bring her face upward. My daughter won't look me in the eyes.

She is in deeper than any of us, why hasn't Kathy noticed it?

"I'm just not happy and I'm mad and scared and sad", her tone is sorrowful, "since mommy took us away I hear her and grandma talk a lot about how they knew you weren't good enough and how you love your job and Livvy and not us."

A sigh emits my body and tears begin to gather at the base of my eyelids.

"It makes me really mad to hear them say that stuff about you and then I get sad and scared cause I don't feel OK here."

Strangely Lizzie doesn't ask about the divorce or the 'whys'. She simply explains herself.

I am at a loss for words, Lizzie dissolves to weeping. I wrap my arms protectively around my littlest one and we rock back and forth.

Words fail me...

* * *

Well? Feedback! Thanx 


	7. Feels Like Today

Thank you guys for the reviews so much! Especially So Many Personnas and Tany. This is the last chapter and I want to say that it was good to write cause I can understand on some level how the kids feel. Anyway read, review, and enjoy!

Oh and this last song also belongs to Rascal Flatts.

* * *

_I Woke up this morning  
With this feeling inside me that I can't explain  
like a weight that I've carried  
Been carried away, away _

But I know something is coming  
I don't know what it is  
But I know it's amazing, you save me  
My time is coming  
And I'll find my way out of this longest drought...

It feels like today I know  
It feels like today I'm sure  
It's the one thing that's missin'  
The one thing I'm wishin'  
Life's sacred blessin' and then  
It feels like today  
Feels like today

You treat life like a picture  
But it's not a moment that's frozen in time  
It's not gonna wait  
Til you make up your mind, at all

So while this storm is breaking  
While there's light at the end of the tunnel  
Keep running towards it  
Releasing the pressure, that's my heartache  
Soon this dam will break

And it feels like today I know,  
it feels like today, I'm sure  
It's the one thing that's missin'  
The one thing you're wishin'  
Life's sacred blessin' and then,  
It feels like today

Feels like, feels like your life changes  
Feels like, feels like your life changes

It's the one thing that's missin'  
The one thing you're wishin'  
Life's sacred blessin' and then,  
It feels like today

Feels like, feels like your life changes  
Feels like, feels like your life changin'

"Hey" I spoke in to the phone quietly, I didn't want to wake the sleeping form beside me, not when I'd just gotten her to sleep.

"How's the weekend gone?"

"Uh, it's been rough."

Olivia is silent for a few milliseconds, "What happened?"

She sounds worried, maybe even scared at what I might say but I continue because I realize I need clarity or I'll never be able to get going tomorrow.

"Dickie was I afraid that I don't love him or the girls and he's trying to cope with making sure Lizzie is taken care of. I'm just so twisted about what to tell my 11 year old son about how life is sometimes. He's got a nice shiner from the experience to boot trying to cope."

I stop, Olivia doesn't question the bruise.

"Kat is so confused herself. She doesn't get it, she doesn't understand why we can't be the family we used to be. I gave her your card in case she can't reach me, I hope that's OK..."

"El you know I'm here for you and the kids."

I smile gratefully then it registers that my partner can't see me. "Thanks."

"And Lizzie?" Liv asks uncertainly.

"Lizzie is in very deep, it scares me ... scares me a lot." In my tone tears lace themselves over one another trying to break free of their confines. I won't let them.

"She's so confused, but it's more I think with how she feels about the situation rather than the situation itself."

I don't know if that makes any sense at all, as if anything does right now.

There is a bridge of silence while Olivia processes what I've just spoken. I'm unsure whether she is trying to come up with an answer or a question so I wait some more.

"What happened today?" she wonders again softly.

"My baby is in trouble. Liv I found her on the bathroom floor in the dark in a corner huddled in a ball. It broke my heart in to a million tiny pieces. She's scared, sad, mad and she's so lost about how she feels. I'm terrified. I thought that I was the one in deep, but Lizzie is worse off than all of us. I don't. Know. What. To. Do." The sentence comes out in fragments.

"Be there for her Elliot, in every way you are capable of. I know you and you aren't alone. If you need my help in anyway you know not to hesitate to call me. What's going to happen now?"

It is my turn to contemplate what she's just said. I am thankful and regretful at the same time. The realization occurs that Olivia has picked up all the slack to keep our case going and I see that she needs me back. I answer the question asked of me.

"Kathy and I talked after I helped Lizzie get herself together and then in to bed. Kathy has been oblivious to how Liz is feeling, that's twisted in my opinion and selfish so I suggested, well rather I begged to allow Lizzie to come back and live with me. She relented so I'm guessing she thinks it's for the best. When I can't be home or whatever Maureen will come stay or I'll have her go to a friends house. Lizzie will see a psychiatrist, I found out Hendrix kept her license and is opening a private practice so I'm gonna look in to that. Now it's taking it one step at a time. Lizzie is laying next to me here because she can't seem to sleep without having nightmares. So this is where we are as of now."

Taking a deep inhale I exhale that air in a worn out sigh.

It amazes me that Liv isn't telling me to suck it up or something.

"Get some rest, partner. We'll talk more tomorrow."

"I'm bringin Lizzie in with me, I think she needs a break for a day or two."

"Good idea. Well, G'night El. I'll see you soon."

"You too Liv. And thank you, very much."

"Hey what're partners for?" a glimmer of optimism ends our conversation. I shift to get comfortable and allow my body to succumb to unconsciousness.

* * *

For the first time in days it feels like life might just be looking up from where I've been standing.

"Ready?"

"Uh-huh" Lizzie responds with some trepidation.

Sunlight breaks through the shroud of winter clouds giving light to the street, maybe it's a sign.

We trek up the precinct steps hand-in-hand, my little girl never losing pace with my long strides. Up five floors and we enter the SVU squadroom.

"Elliot, welcome back", Fin looks up from the paperwork he's scribbling on to greet me.

Munch walks to Lizzie's side and pat's her shoulder, they know we've been tried by life lately.

Cragen raises his eyebrows and motions me inside his office. I set Lizzie up at Olivia's desk and follow the captain in.

"How are things going now Elliot?"

"Uh, we're taking it step by step. I hope it's OK that Lizzie is gonna hang out today?"

Cragen bobs his head yes. "If you need more time let me know."

"Thanks", I get up to leave.

Outside Liv is hugging Lizzie, she looks at me through her chocolate colored eyes and in them I see a gleam of protectiveness. A smile forms on my lips.

She walks over after whispering something in to my daughters ear. We hug right there. It isn't a romantice hug, nor does it signal anything more than what is intended that we are there for each other no matter what.

A new sense of optimism begins to wash out the holes in my heart.

I'm gonna be OK. We are going to be OK.

_It's the one thing that's missin'  
The one thing you're wishin'  
Life's sacred blessin' and then,  
It feels like today ..._

FINIS!

* * *

Input on this chapter and the whole story is greatl appreciated... Thanks again to my loyal readers and I promise I'll get back to my _Reviving Olivia_ fic! See ya around... 


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